The Fear of Forever: Marriage
It’s Wednesday around five o’clock, and I’m sitting in the car with my mom. She’s listening to her daily dose of National Public Radio when she suddenly turns down the radio and says, “Mona, imagine yourself married with children. You just came home from work, you are very tired, your children are irritable, and your husband refuses to help you with the children because he is tired also. What are you going to do in that situation and how are you to handle this maturely?” This is just a taste of what I’ve been experiencing since I was about nine years old; my mother’s random scenarios about what I would do in various situations in the dating, engaged, married, and married-with-children phases of my life. To this day, my mom continues to formulate random scenarios for me and expects me to create realistic solutions for them.
So since age nine, I have been realistically thinking about marriage and what I might be getting myself into. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m intimidated by the institution of marriage. After nine years of my mother’s hypothetical situations, it’s difficult not to be. Honestly, it is an overwhelming idea. I also think many people besides me are at least somewhat fearful of the prospect—and justifiably so. Marriage is one of the most important decisions (if not the most important decision) an individual will ever make during their life. Who an individual chooses to marry has an impact for the rest of their life, regardless of whether they remain married to that person or not.
In recognizing all of the possibilities underlying that choice, I feel like the pressure is on to find the right person. How well should I know this person before we get married? How long should we “become acquainted with each other’s character” before we decide to get married? What qualities should I look for in my future husband? Which ones are the most important? What are some things that I am willing to compromise on? Where will I meet this person? Will our family dynamics complement each other or clash? Obviously, there are so many things to take into account when looking for that right person. As individuals, there are certain qualities and characteristics we refuse to compromise on, while other qualities are not quite as important. Each individual’s needs and desires are different, so something I think is very important might not be as important to my sister. Maybe we should all take some time to sincerely examine and understand what we want and need in our future spouse. As our lives, environments, and circumstances change, we can reevaluate want we want and need in our future spouse and our future marriage.
All my life I have been surrounded by diverse families, and this has allowed me to see the different dynamics that can be present within a marriage. I have been blessed to have parents who are still happily married after twenty-three years. In seeing them and in seeing others, I believe certain marriages are successful because the individuals enter that marriage with the intention that together they will build a “fortress for well-being and salvation.” In these happy, long-lasting marriages, there is one common thread: “the intention…to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life.” In order to fulfill this, there are a few key virtues that I have noticed that each spouse exemplifies (or is working on exemplifying): patience towards each other and the children, integrity within themselves, respect for each other and their families, and one of the most crucial elements is forming an “eternal bond [with God, which] should be made secure by a firm covenant.” Everyday, the couple works to love, protect, and respect one another, as well as to produce children and create a stable, loving environment for those children to grow up in.
Sadly, I know that my situation (the one in which I have happily married parents) is a minority. I have watched many families become devastated and destroyed by divorce. According to sociological research, nearly half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce before their seventh year. A major cause of this new trend is the acceptance of the divorce culture, especially in the United States.
The divorce culture is a phenomenon that began in the mid-1960’s when women and men began experiencing a shift in their gender roles. Changing gender roles have empowered women to work while raising children and to feel less pressure to remain in a marriage simply for financial support. Domestic abuse, verbal violence, uncontrollable rage, inflexibility, or simply the lack of communication has led to the deterioration of numerous marriages. I believe when children are involved in a divorce, the situation becomes even more fragile and painful. Unfortunately, because of the nature of getting a divorce and its deeply powerful effects, the individuals involved in such a disaster continue to pay for its consequences many years later. Studies have shown that children (aged 7-17) whose parents divorce experience repercussions, including pain and additional developmental problems for ten years following their parents’ divorce.
Because of my experience seeing the calamity and disaster that can occur within the institution of marriage, and having to watch people I love suffer because of it, I have found it increasingly difficult to be optimistic in my attitude towards marriage. It seems that my attitude always reverts back to a fear of marriage and all of its consequences and implications But recently, I have started to make a conscious effort to be more constructive and encouraging when discussing or thinking about marriage. I have come to recognize the importance of my positive attitude about this topic. Obviously, a pessimistic attitude and mindset are not conducive to logically and patiently working to understand the institution of marriage. We could all go on for a very long time about how that person did that other person wrong and how difficult it is to find the right person. Granted, ideas and feelings about situations are important and should not be disregarded. But I think that it is more important for us not to expend all of our energy dwelling on it. Even though I have never been married before and even though I’m still young, I hope my thoughts will perhaps help stimulate other individuals to think about marriage within the framework of their own lives.
So, with all this in mind, we come back to my mom’s scenario. In response to her question, I think a possible solution might be a small amount of selflessness on my part. Even though I’m tired, I can set a good example of being patient and understanding with my husband and children. That way I can perk up everyone’s mood. I could remind everyone about something exciting that was coming up in order to help redirect our energy and thoughts towards something worthwhile and enjoyable. Arguing and becoming entangled will only be counterproductive and heighten the situation’s intensity. Eventually, I think my husband and I would be able to put aside our fatigue, say prayers as a family, put the children to sleep, and know that what we are doing together will make our marriage “become the signs of harmony and unity until the end of time.”
excellent insights, mona. i really identify w/ this article--i myself am perhaps more afraid of marriage than i am of death... does anyone have any thoughts on good ways to make sure you're picking the right person for eternity? any useful criteria to keep in mind? particular things to look for? i think if there are any married people out there w/ some thoughts on this, that would be helpful too. any takers?
Posted by: naseem on December 18, 2003 12:09 PMMona - a great article! I have been married for almost a year now, and am still struggling with doubts and fears. The solution you posed to your mother's scenario is really what its all about: regular maintenance, sacrifice (on both sides, of course), and a connection to the spiritual reality.
As to your query, Naseem, about marrieage tips, I have about a million things to say. However, I don't want to write a response that rivals the article in length, so if you want, you can contact me. Also, check out the book "Marriage Can be Forever: preparation counts" by Susanne Alexander and Craig Farnsworth. It's an excellent resource - it's a workbook with real-life questions that you can consider. It's available at amazon.com. I found it amazingly helpful at providing a Baha'i perspective to my questions.
Posted by: liz on December 18, 2003 03:58 PMAs we are involved in the most magnificent spiritual event in our known history on this little planet - it would seem to me to yield all forms of thought and convention to truly be influenced by the cosmic power that is changing our reality to match Baha'u'llah's Revelation.
The customs, traditions, romances, including the institution of marriage itself - must all be dissolved into a new form of the powerful expression of love. This cannot be expressed in a schematic schedule of events or signs. If you allow yourself to be open to the essence of attraction - which is very well explained in the new compilation on Spiritual Reality, it is clear that attraction governs all life and allows the spirit to become manifest.
This cannot be controlled, manipulated, developed, or even instituted without the release of your 'self' - into another individual. Only then will you know what true love can be - since it will only prove a fraction of your self-knowledge - which of course is the beginning of the acquasition of Divine Knowledge and Love of God.
Posted by: a fellow character investigator on December 21, 2003 12:35 AMMona,
Nice article. I had one comment on your divorce statistic, and the only reason I know this is because I took a intro sociology course my senior year of college. While it is true that one-half of all marriages end in divorce, two-thirds of all couples stay together. This is true because some people contribute more than once by divorcing multiple times throughout the course of their life.
As far as facing the fear of marriage goes, sociology is also useful. Married people tend to be happier than single people, and two can live as cheaply as 1.6. (But then again, a good roommate would fix that situation.) Just be very selective when you're looking for the "one" . . . very often, the traits that are most important are also the ones that are hardest to see.
Last but not least, I wanna give a shout out to my good friend and favorite Kourosh currently going to UT Austin, Naseem! I better be seeing you soon!
Posted by: Edward on December 22, 2003 01:46 AMGreat article. I like the comments too.
After watching my brother and sister both go through divorces at the same time, and seeing my father's second marriage that should have never happened, I have had some issues with fear of marriage.
The fact that my mother died when I was 12 doesn't help either. I am terrified that if I get that close to someone, she will die and I will have to go through the pain of continuing this life without her.
Despite all this, I have come to develop a positive attitude towards marriage. Baha'i Writings say that marriage is highly recommended, and that we should get married as an assistance to ourselves. Statistics show that you're better of being married than not being married (as mentioned in previous comment).
There are causes and conditions for good marriages, and causes and conditions for bad marriages. Fortunately, we have control over a lot of these factors.
I like the principle: The decisions you make are only as good as the information upon which they are based.
I think that, before making any sort of decision, you should not only know a lot about your potential spouse, but also about the factors that make a good marriage.
There are some good articles on marriage on http://bahai-library.org The book recommeneded in that previous post sounds like a really good idea. I might pick up a copy and read it myself. (Thanks for the recommendation, Liz)
But then again, I'm not married, so my ideas are just theory and speculation.
May all of us have happy, fulfilling, harmonious, spiritual marriages.
Be peace :)
Posted by: John Sampson on December 25, 2003 12:22 AMDear Everyone,
OK i have to BE real --I am writting so that all my close friends and family that serve FF will know that I am an winner--LOL--becuase I actually read FF!
Also, i just don't understand why I can't be Edwards favorite Kourosh--i will just have to harrass him better in in the future --watch out !
Anyway Mona, after the marriage can be forever preparation counts weekend in Willmete --which by the way was excellent and recommended to all--i really thought that fear of marriage was a really good reason why marriages seem to go so wrong! And unfortuanly we have no avenue for discussing and getting over this in the Bahai Community!
You hit on the a big fear and like my sister I am more scared marrying a jerk than anything else in the world including being unmarried forever and dying! But there are also 2 other fears that mess things up.
These are the fear that you/i will never ever get married. On top of that is the fear that if you don't get married by a certain age you will never be able to have biological children. Of these three fears (the one you discusses and these other 2 ) I think the fear of never getting married in my experiance with people has been the most harmful to establishing healthy marriages. This lead people to rush into things!
But the worst case scenerio is the one that many people face...during their early 20's they have the fear of not finding the right person so they are very picky and during their late 20's they have a fear of never getting married so thus around 30s they rush in!
Anyway Mona as is everything you do this is EXCELLENT!!!! YOU ARE THE BOMB!~
Artemis
Founder of PPIC
and Co-Founder of the Mona M. Fan Club
Mona friend! That is an excellent heartfelt article and it almost inspires me to use economics in my response (juuuust kidding - but not about how great this article is). =D Anyhow, I think that the biggest problem now is a complete misunderstanding by our society of what marriage is really about. People get married in hopes that it will make them "happy." The truth is, no single person or institution on this earth can make you live happily ever after; we are sooo fallible and will always let each other down at some point. P.S. This applies to all kinds of relationships: friends, family, the whole shebang. From a Christian's POV, what if marriage wasn't supposed to make you happy, but to make you holy? I mean, its totally something that will be hard (of course!) but should make us better people in the long run. (Didn't Dr. Showalter like to talk about the 'longrun' and the shortrun'? hehe) Anyhow I really enjoyed reading this and also I miss you! Lets get together when school starts again mmkay?
Posted by: Erin on December 27, 2003 09:44 PMmona joon!
it's been a while...anyways, great article...i can really relate, as i'm sure many many other baha'i youth can as well.
my parents have been recently going through some difficulties and after going through all the possible feelings and emotions that naturally follow, i've come to realize that this experience has made me more willing and optimistic, if you will, to make my future marriage work.
i have learned so much about relationships and the need for COMMUNICATION and DEDICATION in them (among many other things).
although i am scared about marriage and the search for the "right" person, i am also excited because of the idea of sharing my life with someone who i care about on many different levels, and i know that i will try everything to have a healthy marriage.
another thing that seems obvious but is crucial is that at the first sign of problems in the marriage, SEEK HELP. do not wait until things boil and blow up. there is no shame in going to a therapist to strengthen communication...in the long run it will be really worth it.
on a more personal note, i think it's important to remember that we (mona and i---we're both 18) have plenty of time to get to know people and through that discover qualities within ourselves.
i love you mona, you're an amazing friend and i miss you! remember our "bathroom talks" in austrian winter school about relationships...i'm so confident that you and i will be golden!
mona ,
i loved reading your different viewpoints regarding marriage ! moms lil simuatlions did you some good hehe :o) like you said , its very important to keep a positive attitude because you get out what you put in . nice work !
~may~
active member of the Mona M. Fan Club (if thats okay with artemis)
MAY --> Yes we are still accepting applications for the Mona M. fan club...although it is filling up to capacity quickly. Having been a on the receiving end of your moms "ficticious" scenerios.. I don't know what is scarier... random dude you are trying to "study" with trying to kiss you in a dark room (with candlelight and romatic music in the background in my head) or having to tell your mom what I would do if this really happened. And as you and Mona know she always wants an answer.
Erin I really wanted to give you props on the awsome comment you wrote. I do think that marriage is to make us more holy...I have long suspected that the purpose of the progress of the whole system -- i.e. husband and then kids -- is to make a person more selfless (or more like Abdul-Baha). But I think the some of the most Holy people are those who are married to the most intolerable people that I know so I sometimes jokingly ask good not to make me too Holy.
Love,
artemis
Great article Mona, thanks for sharing that.
i can't say i've been asked to find ways of solving scenarios like that, but i do remember my mum saying to my sisters and I when i was 11- something like .."make sure you girls choose wisely cause its gonna be a long marriage!"
we took it jokingly back then but now that my parents have been divorsed for 4 years now, i can see the truth in what she meant.
like, way to burst my bubble mum! lol
i'm not too savvy on this but from what i understand, making sure that the relationship includes the love triangle with God is ultimatly what's going to help nurture the continuation for two loving souls to progress into the worlds to come.
Meanwhile i'm working on just getting to know someone without having a protective community looking out for me...or that's how it seems, can anyone relate here? like, the writings clearly say that when two people are getting to know each other and just that, that well, it's no one elses business but at times i guess people can't help themselves and i'm sure it's just out of pure concern that this tends to happen...frequently. I think that's the scary thing is that in this stage couples can make decisions which they may later regret. ONE is that they'll feel so preasured that they stop seeing each other all together - cutting off the friendship entirely OR, they rush in and get married too soon.
anyhow, enuf said, and great article there Mona, thanks.
mona,
that was a crunk article. u did real good.lol thats all i have to say
Simply put a very beautiful piece by Mona jan
Posted by: Sina Taheri on February 10, 2004 03:01 AMO Friends of the Well Beloved,
Marriage in the Baha'i Faith, its purpose and how to choose a spouse is well described in many Tablets, including the spoken Words of Abdu'l-Baha to Ahmad Sohrab which are available on
the Internet. However, I want to refer to one single paragraph of Abdu'l-Baha about requirements one should see in his/her future spouse.
To choose one as a spouse, He specifies we should be looking for NINE attributes, and interestingly we also should possess those same attributes.
The NINE attributes are as follows:
1-One spouse
2-Virgin
3-Baha'i
4-Mo'min (deepened in the Faith)
5-Muqin (reached state of certitude)
6-Sabit (steadfast)
7-Rasikh (proven steasfast)
8-possess high material qualities
9-possess high spiritual qualities
Hey Ehsan!
Can you please cite where you got that list from? I'm not sure if it's just floating out on the internet if those are legitimate...it sounds a little bit shady to me...
A little more info would be great on that source. Thanks!
Posted by: lacey on February 27, 2004 10:05 AMDear Lacey,
This exact Tablet is in Persian not yet officially translated into english. It is Tablet by Abdu'l-Baha to Ahmad Sohrab.
best wishes always,
Ehsan
Mona joon,
Thanks for addressing what has been a big concern among Baha'is are age for a while now, and for doing such an honest and balanced job of it. Your voice on the issue, and in general, is refreshing.
You might want to try to censor some of your fans though, i.e. the fan club's trash-talking president, and ridiculous individuals who claim that Nas is their favorite Kourosh.
Much love.
I don't think Mona's solution is so great. How can one just put fatigue aside? It seems to address the problem by ignoring the problem. Let me pretend I'm Mona's mother and make a different scenerio: This scenerio is essentially the same, but this time Mona is even more tired - her body is too tired to let her be patient, understanding, and everyone else it too exhausted to be perked up? And no matter how hard Mona tries to break through her exhaustion to fix the problem, she just can't? What does she do? Some solutions: ignore the problem and let it get worse over time; resolve to never let it happen again and have one spouse or the other quit their job or go part-time.
Of course that might result in a worse life-style. But if you have to choose between a horrible family or a horrible car/house....
Posted by: John on July 2, 2004 12:03 PMSo, I was thinking a similar thing about the situation (although, I really liked the article). I think her answer was great, but I wonder if instead of being strong for everyone and then letting it go, if maybe after the kids were in bed (or another time when they were lively and jovial), she could approach her husband about the situation, saying that she, too, was tired at the end of the day and didn't feel it was fair that she still had to be fully responsible for the kids. They could then consult about why this happened and how to avoid it in the future. Does this sound realistic? I think it would be great if my marriage was like that... Just a thought.
Posted by: Sacha on August 31, 2004 06:43 PMWhy get married when everything is available to us WITHOUT the responsibility? I say Mona you should not get married at all. Just have fun. I mean what exactly is it that you're seeking? It's not marriage, I can tell you that.
Furthermore, I think that the new generation of so called "Persian Bahais" are kidding themselves. They are not integrated 'wholesome' beings. They say one thing but do another. Otherwise we would not be seeing 32 or 24 or even 18 year old virgins walking around. If you ask me there is something FUNDAMENTALLY wrong with someone who is still a virgin beyond a certain age (say 25).
In all reality the reason for why there are so many conflicts and fear is that as religious believers you people don't follow your own Faith. It amazes me as student of religion what a shizophrenic life people who claim to be "religious" live. They are duplicitous and wacky. I mean, you Bahai Youth after all are ALL virgins right? To me the very concept of virginity goes beyond just the body, ALTHOUGH that is where is STARTS. The remarks made by Mr. Ehsan Bayat are noteworthy and make sense in terms of what one should look for in a marriage partner.
But how many ACTUALLY possess those traits?
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