My Greatest Fear
My greatest fear today is myself, my old self. The self that was addicted to drugs and alcohol and that wanted nothing to do with a Faith in God. This is my fear. The last thing that I want to do is return to my old self.
I find it humorous (in a very strange sort of way) that my old self thought at the time of its chemical dependency that it was doing just fine. At the time of my addiction to chemicals I had not a clue that I was living my greatest fear day in and day out. Sure I had a car, a house, nice things and lots of friends but really I was at a very low state of being. When I did decide to turn my life around I wasn't sure if I would ever be able to do it. My chemical dependency had a strangling grip on whatever I did and whomever I came in contact with. There were only a few that knew how deeply I suffered everyday, and at times there was no one that knew how much I suffered. I was told by my friends both Baha'i and non-Baha'i it was just a phase--something I would grow out of.
Well, I didn't just grow out of it. I had to face it head on. I had to face my greatest fear, which was myself and the person I had become; a person that was far from God; a person that only cared for himself; a person that was controlled by stuffed feelings and chemicals. I was wrapped in a world of materialism.
I can't say there were no good days but in comparison those good days don't come near to the bad days I have today. With each passing day I become closer to God through the Baha'i Faith and Baha'u'llah. It has been two years since I made the decision to turn my life over to God. The first year I still used drugs and alcohol, but this last year I have been completely drug free. As Baha'u'llah says, "Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes." Boy, is that ever true— I don't even know where to begin. Another important verse in overcoming fears is "Ask, and it shall be given to you," and "seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you." By facing my biggest fear I have experienced things that I never imagined were possible. I have been to places I never thought or dreamed of. My point is that it is not easy to face a fear, big or small, no matter what it is. But when we do face a fear and ask for help to overcome that fear, the outcome will be something that words cannot describe.
I to got myself involved at a young age with drugs and alcohol, mostly drugs. At first I did it just experimentaly. Then being a Bahai(sort of) all the while, I justified it by saying to myself that drugs like pot and acid had spiritual effects. At first it seemed they did and I had many enlightening experiences. I found though that it was a double edged sword and that although at first it had given me percieved enlightenment, it hindered me from getting it back and just left the dependency in a downward spiral. Baha'u'llah saved me. Through all of this the one thing that kept me from destroying myself was that I read "Gleanings" by Baha'u'llah almost every night. It was the only chord that kept me alive. I now have quit all substances and although it has been hard, all my fears have been handed over to Baha'u'llah. -Best of luck to you -Emmanuel
Posted by: Emmanuel Snyder on December 21, 2003 08:36 PMWow, Emmanuel, thanks for sharing that. It's through experiences like yours that help us learn about ourselves in a very fundamental way--instinct, and learning what's right and wrong for ourselves. It's wonderful to learn that Baha'u'llah's Writings were able to lead you back to where you inherenly wanted to be. I think the most fearful part of life for me is just that--handing over the reins and knowing that there is a power greater than my understanding that is in charge. It's frustrating and relieving, all at once.
Posted by: lacey on December 22, 2003 11:24 AMdear justin:
an amazing story, amazing faith and amazing grace!
regards, susan
Justin, I tried to post this when this issue first came out, but it didn't work.
anyhow, I loved the article. :-)
Yo, that really touched my heart right there. I'm going through similar struggles, not only with drugs but other things like self-gratification. And its funny that Emmanuel mentioned the Gleanings, because that is what is getting me through right now. I feel so free and peaceful in the core of my being right now. But I know that tests can make me forget where I am now and cause me to slip. So, I just pray God continues to guide my steps and allows this new found freedom to surround me at all times
Posted by: J on January 13, 2004 03:06 PMwow, i'm glad you came out alright. I too believe that things should be faced as it could take forever waiting to "grow out" of something no matter how much friends and family may insist that this and similar matters are mere phases. Facing any fear isn't easy and it was very brave of you to do so. It makes me realize that as baha'is, i think we tend to take so many things for granted in assuming that everyone is happy and doing fine until something like this occurs - whether it's to our loved ones or ourselves. i don't have much experience with drugs and alcohol but i feel i can still relate to your story in having to face other changes upon returning from a year of service and learning to deal with spiritual downs. thankyou for sharing your story, and all the best for the future =)
Posted by: Corinne on February 3, 2004 09:22 AMJustin,
i loved your article ... we all have our struggles and it's awesome to comeout of it and see that Baha'u'llah is ready for us, waiting for us to realize that with His help, we can overcome our selves... Anyways, are you still in Mankato?
I went to school there and graduated in May 2002 ... Let me know ... Ciao, May
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