Back From America

Linda (not her real name), a Malaysian from Kuala Lumpur, came to the United States as a college student at the age of twenty. During the two years she spent in America, she was struck by a number of differences between the two countries, particularly in the way their societies treated women. Shortly after her return to Malaysia, I asked Linda to talk about her experiences.

Fertile Field: You're from Malaysia, but you spent time in the West. As a young Muslim woman acquainted with both cultures, what was it like for you to go back to Malaysia?

Linda: After being abroad for two years, it was frustrating to return to Malaysian society. I got used to efficiency, good services, polite strangers and feeling safe wherever I ventured. It took seven months for me to adapt again among my own people. Friends who come back from abroad assure me that I'm not alone. We're all convinced that our country, no matter how fast its development, will always stay at the bottom if the people do not learn to "grow up." Women can hardly walk alone for fear they might get harassed. I don't even dare to walk into a 7-Eleven after midnight when there are boys hanging out there. We feel helpless to do anything for this is not a democratic country. The living environment could be healthier for everybody.

FF: What is the difference between how men and women are treated in Malaysia and in the U.S.?

Linda: As in many traditional cultures, women in Malaysia are thought of as wife material. A man values a woman who portrays herself as an obedient and loyal wife or mother. In a marriage, for example, each member of a couple has his or her own career, but when it comes to domestic chores, it is still the wife's responsibility to have the house cleaned and meals cooked. If the kitchen is untidy or if the food's not tasty, she would not be considered a good wife. In the U.S., however, I see men and women as quite equal when it comes to sharing responsibilities without discriminating because of sex. For them it is an issue if the household chores are NOT being shared.

FF: Why does your father have two wives?

Linda: He had an affair, and when the situation became a threat, he remarried. It was without my mother's consent.

FF: What did you think about that?

Linda: I understood that my parents' marriage wasn't content and I couldn't really blame my father for his behavior. But I was only 15, and it was too much for me to take with my mother crying at one end and my father screaming at the other. The rest of the family tried to cope in their own ways and I felt that I should be strong enough to handle it too. My mother felt cheated after 28 years of standing behind the man she loves--she was there when he was just a Lieutenant in the armed forces all the way to the highest rank. Just being the wife was hard enough when it came to cooking, entertaining, and organizing parties--sometimes for 300 guests--all by herself. Then, suddenly: an intruder. For her it was a humiliation to have to compete with a younger and prettier madu [second wife].

FF: What impact does it have on your family for your father to have two wives and two different households?

Linda: In the first few months after my father got married it was a very lost and confusing environment and we had to adapt. It affected everybody--family, relatives and even close friends. There were big fights every single day. Nobody knew how to deal with it. My mother was heavily depressed and suicidal. I had to go through denials and pretended to be happy at school for a certain period of time until one fine day where I broke down and ran to the girls' room with sleeping pills my mom had planned to gulp down for her suicide.

FF: How did you find her pills?

Linda: I found her will letter, started to panic and looked for the pills. She wasn't pleased, of course, at that time, when she found out something was missing. My siblings had to be strong for themselves as well as for mom, for she was in a heavy depression. The difficult task was trying to please both my mother and father without taking sides. My dad felt that I didn't care for him enough if I didn't visit my stepmother. My mom said if I loved her at all that I wouldn't ever go to my dad's other house. Those things happened frequently. It took quite awhile for things to go back almost to the way it was. Now, we see Dad regularly, and he'll spend five days at home and five days with his second family.

FF: What is your home life like now?

Linda: Living at home feels kind of empty. It's hard to carry on a conversation at an adult level with my parents. We speak when necessary. This doesn't really happen with my siblings; since most of them are in the family business, they talk business. I, on the other hand, am not one of them. I could go for a week without saying a single word. We could use some affection to make the house more like a home.

FF: Your dad isn't the only person to have two wives. Why does this happen?

Linda: Men are treated with more authority, while the women have to wait in line. Women who stand up for themselves are either looked up to or stereotyped as snobs. Since Malaysians aren't used to accepting strong women positively, they see many more snobs in this generation. More women nowadays know what's good for them. Many Muslim men have the right to be polygamous. It is very common that the second wives are usually younger and prettier.

FF: What have you learned from this?

Linda: The importance of taking your family into consideration. From this experience, I can say that it wasn't easy for my dad to handle two households. I mean, it takes guts to marry another woman and supporting all of us is really exhausting. He had to buy another house, pay twice as much in family expenses--he even had to give up retirement for us to live comfortably. I guess he got what he asked for. It makes me think twice about something that would ruin other people's happiness, or marriage, or family. Unless they consent to it, is it really worth it to hurt others who are intimately close just so you can be happy?

FF: How has your experience influenced your view of relationships and marriage?

Linda: I learned from my parents that marriage is about give and take. If the relationship turns sour, there are always ways to work it out. I learned that I should not fool myself trying to please others when I've been gifted with my own life to make it whatever I want it to be. Life should be about satisfying oneself. My culture taught me how to be a good wife to whoever first comes along. It is not about the quality you look for in a future husband but the quality you can bring into cooking and cleaning and bringing up his children. It is an impersonal lifestyle. In the West, I was respected for what I am and no one tried to change that. I guess it would be more pleasant if we're not judged simply because we're a she.

(all content Copyright National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha'is of the United States, 2000-2003, do not use without permission)